A Beautiful Mess (The one where I was ugly.)

The lighting in an airplane bathroom is not kind.  Neither is motherhood.  The haggard reflection of an unshowered woman with vomit down the front of her shirt, purple circles under her eyes, and a squirming two year old under her arm stared back at me blankly from the mirror.

An hour earlier I was feeling a little melodramatic rolling through the terminal after an exhausting week of time change, sick kids, and long days full of activity (aka “vacation”).   Finally heading home, my arms and elbows were full of bags and children as our family moved awkwardly through the busy airport. I could not help but notice the business women, wearing heels and packing light.  Some of them sat in cafes, alone, with a glass of wine and business at hand. “I used to be like you once, business women.” I thought.  “I was beautiful and important.  You would simply cry if you knew how little separates you from this encumbered mess walking by.”

I’m sure some of those women were actually loving moms who had seen their own fair share of late nights and yoga pants; but in that moment I felt jealous of their solitude, beauty, and professionalism.  I finally got to my gate and squeezed my awkward mess of diaper bags and clinging children through the narrow walking aisle of the plane. The flight was very hard.

That’s when I ended up face to face with the reflection of the worn woman in the mirror.  That gross little airplane bathroom became the place where this blessed, happy mom who adores her children and loves playing with bubbles and sidewalk chalk was ready to give it all up. That blank stare from the greasy girl who couldn’t even go pee by herself really got me.  People used to say I was pretty.  

I was praying my way through that entire flight starting from my flashes of jealousy and insecurity in the terminal.  Painfully, my feelings of being “unseen and unheard” felt amplified by Gods silence over those hours.  I couldn’t kick the ache in my heart that I had become an unattractive, unimportant woman.

We made it home.  Barely.

I finally got a few precious moments to myself, so I took out my Bible Study homework.  30 minutes later I was on the floor, bawling my eyes out and laughing with God over His “silence” and all of that vomit. 

Here’s what I learned that changed my life:

•      I want to be beautiful because that’s how God made me.
•          I am beautiful.
•          Love (even when it looks like vomit) is beautiful.
•          True Beauty is Messy.

I want to be beautiful because that’s how God made me.

I feel like on the subject of beauty, inner beauty gets a lot of time (Proverbs 31:30, 1 Peter 3:3-4). I understand that those purple circles under my eyes are “beautiful” in that abstract way of symbolizing the hours I was up rocking my child the night before.  I still hate them.  I still want a shower. 

I’m so glad that it isn’t shallow to want to be beautiful.  God created beauty, He created humans to appreciate physical and natural beauty (SOS 4:1), and has destined me to one day be a beautiful bride in heaven.  Of course my heart longs for that.  The problems only start when I look for anyone other than God to affirm my beauty.

I am beautiful.

Thankfully, God affirms my beauty any chance I ask Him. He died to be with me, his love for me is etched across the history of the universe.  There is a prophetic story about a royal wedding in the Psalms that points to the day when we will be the bride of our King in Heaven.  The stunning bride to be and her entire wedding party enter the palace with joy and gladness.  She has been told, “The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for he is your Lord.” (Psalm 45:11).

Before this day is over, you walk over to your bathroom mirror.  Allow the reflections of any unscrubbed showers or cluttered vanities to remain in the background.  Look that woman staring back at you in the eye.  You tell her: “The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord”. 

Take time in prayer to ask God if you are beautiful.  Allow all of the hurtful things people have said, negative images swirling in your mind, or lies of being ugly and worthless to surface.  Ask God to sweep them away like a cloud so that you can find your most beautiful reflection in His eyes alone.

Love (even when it looks like vomit) is beautiful.

One day we get to be brides again.  God has been planning this wedding feast for ages and has every last detail perfected (Revelation 19:6-8).  Our dress is being sewn together as I type, bright linen white and clean made possible by the ultimate sacrifice of love (Isaiah 1:18).  The linen itself is “the righteous acts of the saints” (Revelation 19:8). 

We won’t contribute anything borrowed or blue to our heavenly gown, but when we choose righteousness in the form of love we are weaving eternal threads into our own beauty in heaven.  When I hold my (vomiting) child close because I choose to honor God in my motherhood, serve without complaining, and love someone else more than myself that is not inner beauty- it is eternal beauty.

True beauty is messy. 

Jesus came to “give us a crown of beauty instead of ashes” (Isaiah 61:3). 

It isn’t until we look at our heads (possibly in the mirror of an airplane bathroom) and see the messy ashes of grieving our lost selves, youthful beauty, or sense of importance that we can truly appreciate what it means for the Prince of Heaven to place a crown on our heads and say “Marry me, my darling. I am enthralled by your beauty.”

When the Going Gets Good, the Grieved get Scared

Do you ever find yourself indulging in nightmarish speculation?  My morbid little mind often wanders into dark spaces that it doesn't belong- imagining the worst when my husband is late coming home from work or I feel the slightest pain that I decide is cancer. I have actually stared at a dark ceiling at 3:27am deliberating how I would spend the life insurance money.

If you've ever experienced deep grief or loss, you almost certainly know what I am talking about.  For everyone else, do not judge this intimate view into a scarred soul.

There's something about the hard times that feel almost comfortable to me.  I've walked through grief and pain and disappointment.  My soul has seen the dawn of incredibly dark nights.  In that darkness I was writhing, but God was so intimately close to me I cold almost reach out and touch Him.  His voice so clear, his peace and presence so strong.  

Somewhere in this beautiful experience of knowing God as my rescuer I lost perspective of His love.  I decided that since the Bible talks so much about trials, persecution, and endurance that this life was something I had to endure.  I had new resolve and conviction that I could do that with the strength I had come to know from God.

Then the strangest thing happened. Life got good.  

And a stranger thing happened.  The more blessed I felt, the more scared I got.

My contentment and resolve began to falter.  Strange, isn't it?  When you have nothing to lose at emotional rock bottom there is a security not only in God's presence but in an absence of risk.  Suddenly I had people I loved, achievements that felt important, things I enjoyed and I became paranoid about losing them.

God isn't just strong enough to get us through the bad times.  He's strong enough, good enough, and just ENOUGH to get us through life.

Paul puts it like this:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.- Philippians 4:12-13

Usually people emphasize that through God's grace we can persevere through times of need, hunger, or want.  I'm most encouraged that I can be content when "fed" and "living in plenty".

I can do it because God gives me strength.  Strength to resist the temptation to worry.  Strength to enjoy and fully experience my blessings with gratitude for God who gave them to me.  Strength to let my heart attach itself. Strength to trust Him that he is not waiting to trick me, teach me a lesson, or torture me by taking everything away. Strength to have hope in His love.

Even though God was so loving toward me in my grief, anxiety wells inside me when I think of going back to that painful place of loss.  Paul gives us the secret to his full contentment with God regardless of circumstances a few verses earlier:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

So when things are bad, pray.  When things are GOOD...pray!  

Instead of ruminating in your anxiety, refuse the temptation to "take control" of an imaginary situation you do not have grace from God to experience- because it isn't real.  Lay your fears, mistrust, and worry at the feet of Jesus. He will replace it with a perfect peace that will guard your heart from your own painful fixations.

Memorize Philippians 4:6-7 and recite it when you start to imagine that the creak in your hardwood floor is a psychopath invading your home.  

Surrender your mind and heart to Jesus, there is peace there. Peace and joy and FREEDOM to experience the blessings of life he loves to give you.  You will discover a whole new side of God's love when you surrender to Him when times are good.

***

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things - Philippians 4:8

Will all your worries add a single moment to your life? - Matthew 6:27

The Beauty of Discontentment

There is a philosophy that says we can experience joy and contentment if we simply accept our lives as they are and focus on the positive.  It's just not true.  You don't have to feel guilty when counting your blessings doesn't make you feel better.  It never will. It's time to embrace our discontentment instead of shoving it to the side and thinking "thankful thoughts".

5 Reasons Discontentment is Good for Us:

1. Being discontent reminds us that we need God.

Nothing reminds us that we need God like a feeling of actual need.  There are so many beautiful prayers in the Bible that come from places of pain, distress, and being overwhelmed.  Of feeling angst and aimlessness.  God is there.  In those dark places.  He isn't hanging out with the people who are doing "okay", he is chasing after the heart that has sunk so far down it needs RESCUE.  That is what our savior specializes in: saving.

2. Our anxiety creates room for God's peace. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Thankfulness has a role here, but it is the how not the what.  We approach God with thanksgiving, but also with anxiety!  The thankfulness isn't what produces peace.  God's peace is a gift we receive when we need Him, only He has peace that transcends understanding that can wash over our souls to guard our hearts.

3.  Discontentment can be the courage to say something needs to change.

Good intentions to invest in our marriage simply fell victim to tight budgets, overbooked schedules, and sheer exhaustion.  I told myself it was alright.  Love is a choice.  Although I have a husband I can be thankful for, I have officially decided I am NOT content with rarely having quality time with him.  Date night was born.

Do not talk yourself into being thankful for a life that could benefit from change.  There is an element of mothering young children that will always feel short on time, money and sleep.  Instead of being content with martyrdom, consider how you might make small changes with a big difference.  Once you've poured all of your anxiety at God's feet, ask Him for some practical guidance (James 1:5)

4. Discontentment mean's I'm not perfect.  (Shocker.)

There is a real temptation for me to fall into the "Count your Blessings" trap.  It has a lure of positivity, control, and self-determination that all appeal to me.  Realizing that two small children can break me to my knees and create an absolute dependence on God is humbling in an uncomfortable way.

I have to be the real can't-handle-it me to truly know the peace and joy of the real can-handle-it God.

5. Here comes the Holy Spirit.

I know that real joy and contentment is the outcome of the Spirit of God in my life, not a sentiment I can manufacture or create.  It's crazy for me to realize that God's Spirit lives in me.  There's still plenty of "me" in me.  The Spirit of God is loving and full of joy.  I'm invited to walk with Him and have Him transform my perspective and attitudes, but that is a decision I make moment by moment.  When I find my heart is full of angst and discontentment, it's an instant reminder that I am not allowing God's Spirit to guide me.  Those icky feelings of bitterness, angst, or jealousy remind me that life apart from Him is far more difficult and less desireable than the challenging life I strive for in surrender to Him.

***

Inspiration for the discontent and overwhelmed:

O God, listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety. Psalm 61:1-3

But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength;Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning,For You have been my stronghold And a refuge in the day of my distress. O my strength, I will sing praises to You;For God is my stronghold, the God who shows me lovingkindness. Psalm 59:16-17

In my distress I called upon the Lord,And cried to my God for help;He heard my voice out of His temple,And my cry for help before Him came into His ears. Psalm 18:6

She, greatly distressed, prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. 1 Samuel 1:10

Daddy's Little Helper

My heart leaped in my chest.  She chose ME.  I asked my 2 year old Olivia if she wanted to watch Curious George or come help mommy sweep the kitchen.

Let's be clear.  Olivia and her little red broom are not really helpful (observe the empty dustpan).  She spends most of her time wildly sweeping the crumbs I've gathered back under the cupboards.  

I didn't ask her to help me sweep so that she could clean the kitchen for me.  It was an invitation to spend time with me.  I hope that as I tell her aloud how to start in the corners and make little piles she will figure it out by the millionth time, years from now.  I hope that she learns a heart of working hard with a smile (and loud music).  Mostly I just think it's adorable when she uses the teeny red broom I gave her to try to be just like mommy.

Then it clicked.  I am "Daddy's little helper" in the Kingdom of God.  

I get confused about doing God's work because of the analogy of workers in a field that is used in the Bible.  It feels like I am busting my heart out sweating in the field, accomplishing rows of planting or harvesting, while the "master" sits in his big comfortable house.  I think that I am working hard to show what I have accomplished to God one day in heaven.  I think that I am a warrior, a worker, a woman to whom much has been given and who bears a great responsibility of stewardship.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am a baby with a tiny broom.

My calling to the work of God is an invitation to be with Him, to learn from Him, to work alongside Him as he accomplishes great things.  He uses another analogy about working in the kingdom of God that explains it beautifully.

Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry.”

When a young ox was being trained, they would put him on the yoke of an older more experienced ox, to walk along side him.  By being tied to the other ox, he would learn how to do the work by doing it.  God isn't putting a light yoke on us, He is inviting us to join Him like an ox joins another closely on a yoke.  He promises that He is strong and knows what He's doing, so it will be easy for us.

I know it's oxen, but it's pretty intimate isn't it?  It looks incredibly annoying for the strong ox to have the young ox pulling the opposite direction.  I can hardly believe the God of the universe has invited me to be tied together with Him.  To learn from Him by shadowing closely.  To walk along side of Him as He in His strength and wisdom accomplishes great things, and to some how think of ourselves as a "team".

I couldn't imagine how God would WANT to do this, until I look at my little Livs holding up her empty dustpan so proudly.

It's so unhelpful, but so beautiful. I'm so thankful for the time I get to spend with her.  I appreciate her effort and am incredibly proud of her- not for her accomplishment or contribution to cleaning the kitchen, but despite the fact that there was none.

God doesn't want us to work FOR His kingdom.  He wants us to work WITH Him, with the tools He gave us.  To learn, to build relationship, and to try. 

Are you working for God or with Him?  Think of the ways you are leading, serving, or volunteering.  You'll know if you are doing the work with God because your relationship with Him will be getting deeper in trust, dependence, and mindset- not to mention He will be doing the heavy lifting!

Do you feel further from God than you would like to? He is inviting you to walk closely with him in his work.  Pray and ask Him to show you where you can work together with Him so that you can spend meaningful time with Him, learn from Him, and grow closer in your relationship. Consider how you can act in love alongside Him.

Daddy's working on a BIG and BEAUTIFUL project, girls.  Let's "help" Him out.

Moms on a Mission: Reclaiming our Calling

Do you long for God to use your life in exciting ways but feel totally stuck in your role as a mom?  No time, no energy, and no consistency made it seem impossible for me to feel like I was doing much more than surviving the day; let alone doing something big for God.  It didn't feel like my gifts or talents fit into the schedules of any of the ministries at church anymore.  It has taken me a looong time to understand my calling as a mom.  There were several failed attempts along the way:

I remember sitting at a conference when a 20-something got up to talk about her AMAZING call to Africa, where she literally held women’s hands to lead them out of slavery.  I sat there and thought, “I missed out.” I was married, had a mortgage, and was nursing a newborn.  I felt so useless.  I had no freedom to go on an extreme adventure for God.  Maybe I could give some money to this girl who could do exotic and life-changing ministry while I was at home changing diapers.   I thought, maybe that is my boring calling- to be a steward of God’s money to fund people with good callings.

Nope.

I remember driving my car with a gallon size Ziploc bag open under my mouth.  I had one of those “super fun” pregnancies where I literally did not know the moment I would start vomiting uncontrollably, only that it would certainly come.  I prayed that the baby inside of me would be “worth it”.  That God would use them mightily.  I thought, maybe this is my horrible calling- to sacrifice everything to raise up a godly child who will impact future generations.

No Again.

I remember studying the life of David, who was a shepherd and a servant for 32 years before he took his rightful place as anointed king.  I thought, maybe this is my calling- to sit on the sidelines for a season of servanthood so that some day in the distant future I will be humble enough to accept my REAL calling that will be beautiful, exciting, and involve leadership.

Wrong.

Our calling is never someone else’s calling.  It’s not even our children’s calling. We are definitely not called to sit around and do nothing until some giant opportunity we aren’t even preparing our hearts for magically presents itself.  We are called as moms to the same ministry as every other daughter of God.  To make disciples (Matthew 28:19) and to bear fruit (John 15:1-2). 

Stop for a minute.  If you feel like you can’t live a joy-filled, powerful life for God as a mighty and impactful force in his kingdom while you are nursing a baby every 3 hours, chasing a toddler, or driving carpool- then pray with me.

“God.  I want to follow you.  I feel stuck.  Show me the calling you have for me that is supposed to be uniquely mine.  That will fill me with purpose and joy and change lives for your glory.  Amen”.

Now read with me. 

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol.  If I have the gift of prophesy an can fathom all mysteries and knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move the mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

Or to paraphrase: If I can teach like Beth Moore, but don’t have love- it’s meaningless.  If I live like Francis Chan or Bob Goff, and give everything to the poor, but don’t do it in love- it’s meaningless.  If I go to Africa to save orphans like Katie Davis, but don’t have love- it means nothing.

It is not about how big or different or radical we can make our adventure for God.  It’s not what we do or how many people we get to show up somewhere or listen to us that makes our work for God powerful, important, or meaningful- it’s LOVE.

Why? 1 John 4:8 “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

Because God is love.  His Spirit of love is what makes us different from the world around us.  His Spirit is the breath, and life, and power of any meaningful, powerful, interesting calling we could ever hope to answer.

We have all been gifted in different ways.  All of our life experiences and talents and personalities coupled with supernatural abilities that God’s Spirit gives us lead us to do and to love to do different things. 

Romans 12:3-8 “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”

We each have different gifts, and some are even more gifted than others. You may not ever have someone else’s gift, calling or ministry…but you do have yours.  There is no room for jealousy here.  When you turn your nose up at your gift or your calling, you are insulting the giver of both. Always use your gift at every opportunity in love (1 Peter 4:10) and realize you may not be ready for more at this moment in time- “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought.” 

Did you know that your gift was given to you by Jesus Christ?  He is so wise, and he gave it to you thoughtfully.  He gave it to you specifically for a VERY important reason:

“to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”- Ephesians 4:12

Our gifts were meant to cause UNITY and maturity, never jealousy or discontentment.  We are all supposed to work together as a single team, like one body, to reach the fullness of being like Christ.  Judging from the church today, I’d say we are not all using our gifts in love.  Let’s change that, starting with us.

Join in the Mommas Revolution.  Don’t look at the four walls around you as a prison, make your home a temple for the presence of God and his Holy Spirit.  Love your husband and kids in a sacrificial way that displays the glory of God’s character to everyone who knows you (1John 4:12).  Be thankful for your calling and the space God has carved out for you to use your gift.  It is the perfect size for you, your faith and your gift at this moment (Psalm 16:6). 

What would happen if instead of wishing you were in charge, you used your momma eyes to look around and see who needed a little encouragement?  If instead of standing on stage looking into a backlit crowd of shadowy silhouettes you let yourself sit in the back and be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and took notice of who was insecure, hurting, doubting, or learning and took a chance to love them?  If instead of having your headshot on a popular blog or book cover, you just let that pretty little face of yours be approachable to all the other moms on the playground, with no makeup, picking up screaming kids from the nursery or sneaking a third cup of coffee?

Love would happen.  Grace would happen.  You have your gift.  You have the Holy Spirit to teach you how and show you when to use it.  THAT is your calling. To use your gift RIGHT NOW, in love, to make disciples and bear fruit.

Girls.  God does have a dream for our lives.  It’s a big one.  It’s beautiful and it is custom fit to our hearts, passions, weaknesses and strength.  He has had it in mind from the time he created us, called us, and everything he has been teaching us along the way.  I wish you love and joy and peace as you learn to listen to him and walk in the true passion of your spirit to HIS GLORY.

More Loving than Thou

Holiness has much less to do with perfection than we think.  Nowhere does God say that the goal of the Christian life is to "not sin".  Holiness NEVER looks like finger wagging condemnation, distanced relationships, judgement, shame, guilt, hypocrisy, or nit-picky over-the-top controlling rules and regulations.  If you've been burned by "holy" people, or feel like holiness is not worth your heart, keep reading to discover true holiness- which looks and feels like God's LOVE and power.

Holiness simply means that as followers of God, we are different from people who don't follow God.

When we look at the Bible, it is very clear that we are not different because we are "perfect", but because we have God's spirit (Ephesians 1:13, 2 Corinthians 1:21-22) and it is the primary force that drives our actions and attitudes (Romans 8:5-9).  God is love, and if we are followers of God we are set apart from this world not by our high moral standards, but by our LOVE (1John 4:7-8, John 13:35).  The holy spirit is not an annoying conscience that we can push to the side when it tries to keep us from watching bad movies.  It is a raw force of the universe whose power transforms lost causes, revitalizes melancholy hearts, and always acts in heroic and sacrificial love.

If being Holy looks like God's spirit acting through us, then being holy looks like love and the Holy Spirit.  Less like being "perfect" and more like:

• Forgiving people who don't deserve it.
• Not letting jealousy or bitterness ruin our relationships.
• Being humble and not having to be "right".
• Serving other people even if it means we can't do something for ourselves as a result.

Holiness doesn't have to look like this,

It looks a lot more like THIS.

Holiness has nothing to with us "quitting sin".  It has everything to do with us deciding to live in a way that is led by God's spirit of LOVE.  Even though everyone who believes in God and follows him has his spirit in their life, we all know it doesn't always feel or look that way.  How do we unleash this powerful spirit that fills our life and transforms the world around us?  God says the best way is through obedience (1 John 5:2-4).

We don't stop sinning to GET holy, we stop sinning because we ARE holy.

I saw a documentary on the vegan lifestyle (I was not converted, but still impressed).  They were explaining how making the transition off of processed foods is really challenging, and your body truly needs to "detox".  They recommended NOT going cold turkey, if you try to go vegan by "giving up" foods you love you will fail every time.  Instead they said to slowly just add more vegetables into your diet.  As you do that, you experience the energy and health that come with it and slowly the vegetables just naturally push the junk food out.  So in theory, instead of clinging to your Cheetos bag, you won't even want it any more.  That's really how holiness and sin work.  We are all clinging to our little addictions or habits, and letting go feels impossible and honestly undesirable.  But the closer we get to God, the more natural obeying him will feel.

Getting closer to God can feel intimidating, and it's hard to think of all the changes you would need to make for a spiritually "healthy" lifestyle.  It doesn't have to be overwhelming, he is closer than you think.  He is ready and waiting to do all the heavy lifting (Matthew11:28-30).  Unlike all those times I have tried and failed to "get in shape", I'm not alone on my spiritual journey.

My relationship with God is driven far less by my own will power than by His grace.  

And as hard as it may feel to take the first step, Holiness is truly God's plan to make us HAPPY.  It will be worth it.  If you're up for the adventure, here's some simple ideas of how to get started "eating your veggies".

Practical Tips for a Spiritual Detox:

• Ask God to help you  Tell him you want to spend more time with him and learn his wisdom.  Admit that you will give up quickly on your own.  Ask for his voice of encouragement and love to strengthen you. (Hebrew 13:20-21, James 1:5-7, 2 Peter 1:2-4)
• Read your Bible everyday  (Romans 15:4, 2 Timothy 3:16-17)
• Start with just a verse of the day, it will take you less than 5 minutes to read.  
• Work your way up to 15 minutes a day when you are ready.  This should cover about a chapter a day.  Start with a small book like Ephesians or James, it will feel good to finish it in less than a week.  
• Spend some time reading through a gospel, like John, it's a great way to get to know Jesus as a person.
• Pray
• Start with asking God to be present in your journey to get closer to him.
• Move on to being thankful.  Give god credit for at least one thing you are thankful for and praise him everyday, even if it is combined with a simple mealtime prayer at first.
• When your heart is ready.  Ditch your baggage.  Confess the things that have been keeping you far from God and ask for his help to claim your victory over your addiction to sin. (2Timothy 2:21)
• Choose who you listen to
• You will be listening to God through prayer and reading his word, but this world is a noisy place.  Choose some of the other messages that come into your brain wisely.  Consider listening to classical or Christian music, thinking critically about the movies and TV you watch, and trying to make as much in your life consistent with hearing God's voice as possible.
• Get in the real world
• Make sure that you are getting the right support for your journey to get closer with God in a solid Christian community at a church or with Christian friends who are encouraging you. (Hebrew 10:24-25)
• God's spirit will transform your heart, don't let it stop as a personal experience.  Practice the same  love and forgiveness you are experiencing with the people around you.  Either through volunteering to help your community or by taking a step to let God heal a broken relationship you are holding onto by forgiving and reconciling with someone.

John 13:34-35 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

May God's love guide, protect and strengthen you on your adventure!

For the days Motherhood feels like unwashed laundry, dirty dishes, and coffee that isn't working.

My little girl had her dollie cradled in her arms.

She rocked her back and forth, making a strong shushing sound right in her ear.  She reached for the empty plastic bottle and put it up to her doll's lips.

"Is the baby tired?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Are you..."

I was interrupted by a "Shhhh."  Olivia then made a snoring sound, the kind we make when I am pretending to be a sleeping princess and she wakes me up with a kiss (or the other way around).  She wanted to let me know the baby was sleeping, and- come on mom- to be quiet.

She turned her attention back to her dolly and looked into her eyes intently, so tenderly.  She started to hum.

My heart beamed to the point of bursting.

She has seen me do this a million times, with her and with her little brother.  I quietly handed her the little blanket and she finished putting the baby to sleep.

"Olivia", I told her, "I love you.  I am so proud of you.  When I see you taking such good care of your baby I know that you have a loving heart.  It shows me that you are so kind, and that makes me very happy.  I can tell that you have been watching me.  You are so smart!  You remember everything you saw me doing when I put my baby to bed- and you are doing such a good job being just like mommy!"

I gave her a big hug!

And then I got chills.

Because for a moment, I heard God whisper "I feel the same way about you, sweet baby girl.  I'm so proud of you when I see you loving your babies.  It tells me a lot about your heart.  Keep learning from me.  I love you."

This simple act, mommas, of rocking our babies, of late night tears (theirs and ours) of all that is entailed on the journey of mothering- is truly an act of love.  Our daddy is so proud.

1 John 4:11-13
Dear friends, if God so loved us, then we also ought to love one another.  No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God resides in us, and his love is perfected in us. By this we know that we reside in God and he in us: in that he has given us of his Spirit.

Here is a younger Olivia quietly shushing all of her dollies and moving them out of her room to all go to sleep together on our couch. 

Confession: Flint slept on the couch behind a bank of pillows for much of his early life (he loved falling asleep around everyone).  So that's just where Olivia thought babies took their naps :).