Forgiving Again...and again and again.

Forgiveness is something I asked God to teach me about this past year.  My real motivation was trying to settle a broken relationship that has been lingering and hurting for way too long.  I prayed and looked in scripture and read a great book.  I learned a lot.  Here's just a few highlights (that's another post!).

• We are called to follow Christ, to love and forgive like he does. Living in community is a requirement for worshipping him.  gulp. (Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 5:24)
• Christ's forgiveness is complete. (Psalm 103:12)
• Christ's forgiveness is conditional. (I John 1:9)
• Christ's forgiveness leads to a restored relationship. (John 3:16)
• Christ's forgiveness is infinite. (I John 1:9) 

But after all my study there was still something I couldn't wrap my head around.  Why?  And How???  I was having a hard time having God's heart of forgiveness when I understood the concept on paper but not the attitude or character that was driving it.  

When Jesus taught His disciples, His favorite way to make big truths of the universe easy to understand was to tell stories of normal things from their everyday lives.

So, back to everyday life.

Olivia is my amazing daughter.  Really, I shouldn't expand here, but I absolutely LOVE her.  Olivia is  a year and a half. Being a toddler means Olivia loves to explore; including pushing boundaries, unrolling toilet paper, putting cheerios in her baby brother's mouth, screaming, biting, and hitting.

I love the concept of time outs.  I hope that someday they teach her how to relate to God and the truth- that the worst part of doing something wrong is having a broken relationship (even if it is for less than a minute).  We have a 5 step time out:
1. Separation (sitting in the corner for a set period of time)
2. Explanation (this is why you are on time out)
3. Apology (saying sorry for the specific reason)
4. Forgiveness
5. Kiss and a hug- then "Let's go play!"

She just couldn't get the hang of the "no hitting" rule last Friday.  We were on the 4th time out for "no hitting" in less than 7 minutes.  Sometimes we didn't even make it past the apology before she looked me in the eye and hit me in the face.  If you are a mom then you know how much that hurts in more than one way.

It can be EXHAUSTING being consistent with discipline and walking her to the corner over and over, not to mention it really put a cloud over a morning we could have been walking to the park.

It was that 4th time forgiving her that somehow stood out.  "Olivia, I forgive you for hitting me."

Finally.  It clicked.  There are not a lot of people in this world I could imagine actually forgiving 70x7 times (Matthew 18:22).  But Olivia is one of them.  Because she's a toddler and because she's my daughter.  I know she is going to hit again, bite again, but it's okay.  I love her so much even though I know she still has a lot to learn.  I know that every time we go through the apology and forgiveness cycle she IS learning, even if it isn't the last time.

God loves me unconditionally.  He knows that I'm human, but He has made me His daughter.  I'm imperfect and prone to act out in ways that hurt Him and others.  He forgives me because He loves me and He is willing to put in the hard work to teach me!  He's even patient enough to tell me when I've done something wrong, to listen to my weak but sincere apology, to forgive me, to give me a hug and not hold it against me.

Here's the hard part.  I need to love like that too.  To understand that even the people who hurt me are human too.  Humans are prone to selfishness, anger, jealousy.  Apart from the Holy Spirit humans we don't naturally exhibit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).  Those amazing qualities are the fingerprints of God on our hearts and in our world.  We cannot be or do them consistently apart from Him, because we are human- and so are all of the other unkind, unloving, and impulsive humans. Still, if our fellow imperfect humans are sorry then they deserve to be loved and forgiven as much as I do.  The reason forgiveness is so hard is because it's loving someone who doesn't deserve it. 

Colossian 3:12-13 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Luke 6:37 Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven

Lord God, my concept of justice is broken.  My apologies and my efforts are weak.  Forgiving can be so hard for me, so I know that part of my heart doesn't look like you yet.  Take it Lord.  Please.  Take that part of my heart, I don't want to hold on to it.  I don't want to withhold my love from others when you give yours so freely.  You can heal my wounds. I give those to you too.  I won't hold on to them or play the angry victim any more.  Please God, redeem them.  Make them part of the me that you are making in a way that only makes sense to you.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I have held on to this hurt for so long.  Give me the humility to forgive them.  Thank you for forgiving me.  I love you.