Then I found out I was getting induced 3 weeks early because I was on the verge of preeclampsia. "I'm not ready! I'm not going." Then I cried. I threw up on the dashboard of the car on the way to the hospital. This is how I began my first day of motherhood.
It only took a few days after bringing Olivia home for the "prepared" feeling to fade completely. Having read 3 books on baby sleep patterns was no help- Olivia sure didn't seem to have read any. Nothing I had learned covered the projectile vomiting and screaming at every feeding. On day 11, Olivia even started holding her breath and turning purple. Fear, failure, inadequacy, self-doubt, and anxiety began to gang up on me.
Then I was at a baby shower and the mom-to-be was given a book about praying for your children. The mom giving the book was a wonderful woman with her heart in the right place as she explained their rituals of family devotion, scripture memory with her kids, and her faithful prayers for her girls.
Crap, crap, crap. That fear, failure and anxiety FLARED inside me. How did I have 5 books about parenting on my nightstand and not a single one of them about praying for my kids?! I hadn't had my own devotion in weeks. Clearly this was reason #437 that I was failing as a mother.
That night I was putting Olivia to sleep, she was still a little peanut, less than 8 pounds for sure. I hadn't slept a straight night for months if you counted the 3rd trimester insomnia.
I prayed for her. It felt really forced.
Only moments into my prayer it changed from Olivia becoming a woman of passion and purpose to "Oh God...I am so tired. I'm sorry I'm not a godly mom. I'm sorry I'm not a good mom. I don't know why you wanted me to do this!" (Mike and I had prayed seriously about starting our family and really felt God not only say "Yes" but "You must".)
This is one of my favorite moments that God met me where I was, as a tired mom in the dark on a gliding chair.
He reminded me that He loved me, He honored me for trying so hard when I was so tired, He told me that I was a godly mom- because He asked me to have a child and I obeyed. He reminded me that following Him isn't about rituals, reading books, or forcing stories on my children. It's not about looking like a "godly mom"...it's just being godly. It's following Him, loving Him with my whole heart, trying a day at a time to love more, obey more, understand more. My spirituality didn't have to look different now that I was a mom- it was still me and Him.
There's nothing bad about books, devotionals, or scripture memory. Spiritual disciplines are meaningful, and helping your kids learn them by modeling them is a beautiful thing- but at the end of the day, it's still you and God. Having a scripture memory chart for your two year old doesn't mean a lot if you don't act it out in front of them- in the car, on your walks, with your husband. If you love God, talk to Him, worship Him, obey Him and listen to Him the rest will follow. No need to keep up appearances.
Luke 9:23-24 And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.
I Timothy 6:6 But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment.
Psalm 63:1-3
O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
It only took a few days after bringing Olivia home for the "prepared" feeling to fade completely. Having read 3 books on baby sleep patterns was no help- Olivia sure didn't seem to have read any. Nothing I had learned covered the projectile vomiting and screaming at every feeding. On day 11, Olivia even started holding her breath and turning purple. Fear, failure, inadequacy, self-doubt, and anxiety began to gang up on me.
Then I was at a baby shower and the mom-to-be was given a book about praying for your children. The mom giving the book was a wonderful woman with her heart in the right place as she explained their rituals of family devotion, scripture memory with her kids, and her faithful prayers for her girls.
Crap, crap, crap. That fear, failure and anxiety FLARED inside me. How did I have 5 books about parenting on my nightstand and not a single one of them about praying for my kids?! I hadn't had my own devotion in weeks. Clearly this was reason #437 that I was failing as a mother.
That night I was putting Olivia to sleep, she was still a little peanut, less than 8 pounds for sure. I hadn't slept a straight night for months if you counted the 3rd trimester insomnia.
I prayed for her. It felt really forced.
Only moments into my prayer it changed from Olivia becoming a woman of passion and purpose to "Oh God...I am so tired. I'm sorry I'm not a godly mom. I'm sorry I'm not a good mom. I don't know why you wanted me to do this!" (Mike and I had prayed seriously about starting our family and really felt God not only say "Yes" but "You must".)
This is one of my favorite moments that God met me where I was, as a tired mom in the dark on a gliding chair.
He reminded me that He loved me, He honored me for trying so hard when I was so tired, He told me that I was a godly mom- because He asked me to have a child and I obeyed. He reminded me that following Him isn't about rituals, reading books, or forcing stories on my children. It's not about looking like a "godly mom"...it's just being godly. It's following Him, loving Him with my whole heart, trying a day at a time to love more, obey more, understand more. My spirituality didn't have to look different now that I was a mom- it was still me and Him.
There's nothing bad about books, devotionals, or scripture memory. Spiritual disciplines are meaningful, and helping your kids learn them by modeling them is a beautiful thing- but at the end of the day, it's still you and God. Having a scripture memory chart for your two year old doesn't mean a lot if you don't act it out in front of them- in the car, on your walks, with your husband. If you love God, talk to Him, worship Him, obey Him and listen to Him the rest will follow. No need to keep up appearances.
Luke 9:23-24 And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it.
I Timothy 6:6 But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment.
Psalm 63:1-3
O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips will praise You.
My lips will praise You.
God you don't want my nightstand, you want my heart. It's yours. I pray that my kids will some day have the joy and know the meaning of truly experiencing your presence, chasing after your heart and your plans. Give me wisdom and grace as I walk my journey alongside them. I can't control when or if they follow you...but I trust them to your Spirit. I trust you to make yourself known to them. I trust you to use me as I listen and wait. I pray that you would hold me TIGHT in your hand and that I would be an example of faith to them that finishes my life strong before you. I pray they would always feel loved. That you and I can teach them how to love others in a world that can be unloving and that feels so unloved . I don't care if anyone around us thinks that we are a spiritual family. Make us a powerful family, a loving family. Let us leave your mark on the world instead of being concerned about looking like we are.
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