Making Roots and Breaking Roots

My daughter and I chose a purple daisy to plant in the backyard this afternoon.  I realized for the first time today how incredibly wondrous it can be to dig a hole.  As it came time to plant our little flower I broke apart the fragile roots that tightly held together their soil in the shape of it’s former container.

Life suddenly made more sense.

I’ve been struggling with change lately, even change that isn’t certain.  As I’m praying with friends who are thinking about moving away or moving on I can’t help but dread the amount of effort it takes to make new friends.  I can’t escape the fear that I won’t find a friend like them ever again.  I know from experience that change creates opportunity and I know in my head that God has many unseen wonders for my heart to explore that I’ll never experience if I stay in the same place forever.  Still, it hurts.

It’s supposed to hurt.

I thought about that poor little daisy as I ripped the knotted end of its roots off.  It had dedicated so much of it’s energy to growing those roots.  Those roots knew right where the boundaries were, the nutrition came from, and held everything together tightly.  Do not let this analogy fool you, I have a total black thumb.  Even with the irrigation system it will be a miracle if this poor daisy survives.  Still, even I know that you have to replant flowers for them to grow larger than their current pot.

Only the relentless heart really lives.

This Daisy is going to regrow it’s roots.  It isn’t even a choice, it’s a law of nature.  My heart feel less relentless, sometimes.  I question if I have the energy, I resent the brokenness that comes with change.  I wish I could not grow roots that would be broken, but they all get broken.  The only unbroken roots are the ones who never expand their borders or reach deeper to soak up all that they can from their world.

My roots, God's garden.

I’ve heard people say to hold things with an open hand as a visual of surrender, leaving everything in our lives open to be taken or changed by God.  I’m not sure that’s the right picture.  I think God wants us to make roots.  He’s given us an environment and community to soak up and fully wrap ourselves around, not separating our heart or hedging our emotions. When it comes to life’s inevitable changes, I’m ready for my roots to be broken.  I expect it to hurt, but I know that there’s exciting changes ahead- not just for my friends with big announcements but for my ever expanding heart.

He Smelled like Lavender

Jesus smelled like lavender. 

His last week on earth, Mary anointed Jesus (John 12:1-8).  She poured Nard over his entire body and washed his feet with her hair in adoration and abandonment.  Jesus’ followers looked at her in confusion, disgust, and derision.  Jesus looked at her in recognition and love, and bound their stories together for eternity- her act of sacrificial worship and his coming act of sacrificial love (Matthew 26:13). 

I learned this week that Nard is believed to smell like lavender.

Mary emptied the entire bottle over Jesus.  His prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane was only 4 days later, which means Jesus likely smelled like lavender his final days on earth and even as they led him away for crucifixion. 

His body had been anointed for burial almost a week before his death, and it was the smell of lavender that reminded him every day that the cross was coming.  A redolent aroma, picked up by passing breezes, whispering the love he had for mankind.  Bringing readily to mind an image of a woman’s dark hair tangled around his feet every time the fragrance brightened.

As he kneeled in prayer in Gethsemane, tears flowing, I imagine his posture of prayer with face pressed against his forearms, his wrists.  As the agony of anticipation seized his body, he may have smelled that soothing aroma of lavender.

As I worship this week, eyes toward Easter, I’ve been anointing my world with lavender.  Lavender hand lotion and oil, room spray, and candles surround me.  I purposefully breathe in the fragrance to bring to mind being by Jesus’ side his final week.

I need a reminder that my lavender anointed savior is near this week.

I need reassurance that death has been conquered.

Good Friday this year is the 7^th anniversary of losing my dad to cancer. 

From the time of his diagnosis in stage 4, he was anointed for burial.  I wish that he could have been purposeful and wise and reconciled all the hurt during his final days, or even simply said goodbye.  The tumor in his brain didn’t allow that.  Like Jesus, he too was barely recognizable before his final death.  The violence of radiation had raged against his skull. I felt powerless as I watched it happen. The circumstances of death and grief are wildly different in significance and severity between my own personal loss and the cross.  Just know that I can't sing words or say phrases about death in any sort of mindless way.  My heart breaks.

The cross is why I follow Jesus.  Jesus did more than pay the price on the cross to make it possible for me to be forgiven.  He walked through the darkest valleys of the human existence and came out the other side.  He knows how to navigate pain, grief, and separation and lead onward to a place of peace, hope and joy.  He's not a plastic savior, or a superhero.  His heart and his hands have scars.

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” -1 Corinthians 15:54-55

Jesus is the resurrection and the life.  He is the promise of freedom for the soul after the death of a broken body. He turned the universe upside down.  His dramatic victory over death was in some ways quiet, mysterious, brutal.  Smelling like lavender.

Being Important

Eye contact is something I miss, as I seem to disappear behind my double stroller.  I wonder if one day I'll feel seen and heard again.  If someday I'll ever be important to someone who doesn't need me to feed them.  I wonder if I'll ever be successful or influential or seen as more than a "mom".  I wonder if it makes me a bad mom to wonder.

I've formulated several versions of the thesis that "I am important" through motherhood only to have them crumble beneath my feet the moment I try to stand my soul upon them:

This time is only a season, a short chapter of my life. If I wait patiently then one day I'll be important.

...only I've found that living for the future makes it almost impossible for me to enjoy the present.  When I look at my kids I don't want to find myself rushing them to get older, need me less, and get out of my way so I can go back to having ambitions beyond having every piece of my laundry clean at the same time. That's not my heart.

What I am doing is more important than it looks.

...only I am too honest for this.  I have read much better bloggers than me attempt to romanticize the life of moms.  I'm not saying that kissing boo-boos and washing dishes aren't at times mundane disguises that hide deep relationships, beauty, and connection. Most days serving my family is simply an act of love made all the deeper by the fact it is totally unexciting. I have lived too much life to actually find my importance in changing a diaper, no matter how much hidden meaning one may try to attach to it.  

What I am doing is important because one day my sacrifices will pay off in my children's beautiful and important lives.

...only I love my kids too much for this. Their future is not what I'm hanging my importance or success on, they are too fragile to bear that weight and I love them too much to come to them asking them for validation.  I'm their mommy.  I let them know they are important and loved and ask nothing in return.  

Then, one evening not too long ago I heard a whisper that changed my life.  Forever.

It's not about being important.

I'm important to many people who love me and to God himself, but I don't need to feel important by being admired, having a big platform to be heard, or chasing an increasing level of feeling successful or influential.

Once I let it sit with me it, my heart got happy.  Joy returned.  My soul felt whole. It's not about being important.  It's about living in freedom instead of searching for validation.  When I let go of needing to feel important I can serve my family out of love and not feel bitter or degraded.  I can hope for my children's future and not feel pressure to control it.  I can live right now in love and freedom and not wait anxiously in jealous greed for something that was never promised to me.  

Does giving up on being important mean I'm giving up on life?  

I'm not giving up on goals or dreams, but I am giving up on making goals and deadlines that cost me more than I want to give of myself.  I am giving up on loving myself and pursuing my own need to feel admired, respected, successful and important.  I'm choosing to love others more.

It's tempting for me to imagine that every gift and talent I have been given are meant to uniquely equip me for an exciting mission that I am personally passionate for and produces an incredibly important accomplishment for God.  The truth is that I have been gifted simply to encourage and invest in others (1 Corinthians 14, 1 Peter 4:10-11) and God looks at the heart, he doesn't play favorites- even with people who are influential or powerful for Him (Galatians 2:6).  We are encouraged not to judge anyone, including ourselves.  No more worrying about whether I have the Holy Spirit in a big enough way or am on a big enough platform or impactful enough mission.  All God asks me to do is have a good heart and let Him commend me in the end (1 Corinthians 4:1-5).

Jesus washed the disciples feet (John 13:1-17).  No one would argue Jesus is important, but he knew that holding on to his importance would keep him from showing love in the way he needed to.  He chose love and reconciliation over glory and importance and was undeterred from his mission no matter how often misunderstood (Philippians 2:6-8). Jesus rejected every opportunity for importance and glory that came his way. I say that I want to be like this infinitely wise creator of the world who chose to hang out with fisherman, and yet I get frustrated by the limitations of conversing with my own toddlers. 

Humility and love have their shields raised against the ravenous appetite of self-importance. Instead of writhing in the fear of never being successful, influential or important I can love and serve without any agenda other than making Jesus smile. I never took it seriously when Jesus said the last would be first- or had the faith to live my life like it was true until now.

A Beautiful Mess (The one where I lose my baby in a museum.)

BAWLING. My eyes out.

I made a bee line out the front door of the Children's Museum while completely unable to gain any sort of composure.

5 minutes earlier I had been standing in the center of the museum, the very center, the only place that virtually everyone can see you.  Next to me was an employee in a purple polo shirt with a plastic name tag talking into a walkie talkie.  "Lost child alert, lost child alert.  Check your zone for a blonde girl in a purple tshirt and jeans.  She is two and a half years old and answers to the name "Olivia".

10 minutes earlier than that I had been buckling my 17 month old into the double stroller and my eyes must have been focused on that buckle for a whole 30 seconds, which is sadly more than enough time for a 2.5 year old to disappear.

It is the most scared I have been in a really long time.  My hear raced, I was frazzled, emotional, and after I stopped the flow of 4 letter words that first flooded my brain, I was silently praying my heart out.

On the walk to the car after we finally all left the museum together, Olivia asked me "Why are you crying, mommy?"  I stopped the stroller, pulled her out and held her close.  I told her I was so scared because when she ran away to play I couldn't see her.  I told her it's like when she can't find her blankie and she is scared it is lost.  I told her she MUST stay where mommy can see her.  I told her I had to pray to Jesus to help me because I was scared.  I really tried to say this all clearly and calmly through my cracking, fragile voice.

My sweet girl, so little, who barely knows her ABCs.

She lifted up my sunglasses on the top of my head.  She said "Don't be scared mommy.  Take a biiiiig breath" as she gently cupped my chin.  "I love you, mommy.  Don't cry.  I want to make you happy".  She continued to comfort me in gentle little whispers, and her empathy and tenderness were as deep as the ocean.  Her tiny soul was so big and incredibly beautiful as she looked into my eyes intently.  I felt her strength of kindness for the first time in my vulnerability, and that moment was such a gift.  To feel her wipe away my tears with the same gentle strokes I have wiped hers away a hundred times.  To have a small glimpse into the woman she is going to become...and what a beautiful sight it was.  It was truly one of the most special moments we've shared.

As my heart rate slowed I became deeply thankful.

• My girl is safe.  God was watching her vigilantly even when my eyes could not see her.
• My willful girl is beautiful.  She is empathetic, strong, and emotionally connected (when she is not being a typical 2 year old).
• I felt no shame (even though you may think I should have).

Recently I have been learning to release the opinion of others. If you want to introduce some "You're a bad mom" voices into your head I think standing in the middle of a museum while the employees are buzzing "Lost child" all around you is a great way to start.

I am not exaggerating when I say I beat myself up for DAYS when I first became a mom and realized other moms had pillows for their babies on their diaper changing tables.  "I don't have a pillow on my changing table, I am such a bad mom!" I thought.  Now, after losing my child in a crowded, public place, and having plenty of people stare at me, I was able to push that "You're a bad mom" thought which used to be so instant and so strong out of my head almost instantly- to instead feel the grace and peace of God in that moment.

I'm not defending the fact that I lost her. All I can say is that in the midst of that horrible mess, even one I felt to blame for, I felt hope and peace and God's strength.  In those things I felt confidence, and that confidence and peace of God just didn't leave any room in my heart for shame or judgement.  It wasn't until after I calmed down that I realized how far I've come on my journey of freedom.  Thank you, Jesus.  I could not survive motherhood without you.

Even though I was overcome emotionally, I didn't actually care what the people who saw the employee hand me my child thought about me.  I was just praying, praying, praying: Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God.  Is it possible that on the day of one of my biggest, scariest mistakes as a mother God showed up so strongly in love and grace that I will actually always remember this day for who HE is instead of who I am not?

Girls, we are all going to make mistakes.  Embrace the beauty that can come from the mess.

Do not get caught up in what the mess says about you, what others think of your mess, how horrible you are for being a mess...allow God to shine through the cracks of the broken, fearful, imperfect places.  Let him shine beauty and kindness and invaluable memories and lessons in unexpected places.  Accept that we will be weak and allow that to make space for Him to be strong.  Pray without ceasing, and let HIS VOICE be the only one you allow to speak to you- especially when it feels like your world is shaking.

Love you!

5 Ways to Invest in your Toddler's Spiritual Development

We love God with our complete selves: heart, mind, and soul...and we love our babies the same way!  It's never too early to begin investing in your child's spiritual development, here's 5 simple ways to help your very young child develop a solid understanding of their loving creator.  

#1 Invest in yourself.

Mamas, seriously.  I get it.  Some days if I have fed my kids 3 meals and give them a bath I am doing a victory dance down the hallway after putting them in bed.  In the chaos of raising toddlers, you get to choose what is non-negotiable (and it's a short list).  

Developing a deeper connection with God doesn't have to be a lofty or impossible goal.  The benefits of even a small investment of time and focus on your own spiritual journey could surprise you as you see it instill a sense of joy and peace in your day, soften your temper with your little loves, and change your heart toward your marriage.  It's the best investment you could make in your life let alone your family's lives. Your kids primary understanding of God and what following Him looks like may come from you, so don't be ashamed to take time to be the woman you want to be.

Spiritual fuel for busy moms: 

• Give God 30, 42, or 90 days to show you how walking with Him daily can transform your journey of motherhood. 
• Listen to Christian Music in the car to keep you sane and positive, and even spark moments of spontaneous worship or prayer.    
• Install a devotional app (or two...or an entire Bible) on your phone and when you have that rare free moment, take the chance to read something inspirational.  
• Think of some of the negative things that you were surrounded by in your home as a child (body image confusion, addiction, affairs, divorce, anger...) You have been given the amazing opportunity to introduce your kids to God in your own (still imperfect) environment.  Consider counseling or Breaking Free if there are bad habits or attitudes whose cycle you want to break.
• Watch John Ortberg's "A Jesus Way of Life" (while folding laundry, or whatever) and move your mindset from "big time commitment" to "intuitive relationship". 

#2 Make prayer normal.

We make a BIG effort in our house to have prayer be authentic and not ritualistic.  Prayer is part of an open ended conversation with God, knowing He is always close and always listening. For example, here's a sunset from our walk the other evening.  We responded to the beauty with a simple prayer: "Wow!  Look at that sunset!  God is such an amazing artist.  He put those colors together just so we could enjoy them and to remind us that He is here with us even on our walk.  Thank you God, for this beautiful sunset!" 

I try to make prayer super normal, and part of every day.  I pray aloud and let my kiddos hear how I talk to God- whether it's a thought of praise, a plea for a friend, or even when I have to apologize for losing my temper.  Modeling repentance and making sincere apologies to our children when warranted is priceless, it's the best possible way to demonstrate the value of a humble heart, what "sorry" looks like in the real world, and live authentically together.  

Just before bedtime, my daughter LOVES her "Prayer Sticks".  They are simple little prayer prompts.  On one side I write: Please, Thank You, or Wow (Stolen from Anne Lamott).  On the other side I write a little prompt.  For example "Thank You" on one side and on the flip side "...for one of my favorite things".  My daughter pulled that stick tonight.  My husband read it aloud and shared one of his favorite things and then modeled a one line thank you prayer.  She said her favorite thing was her toys, so she prayed "Thank you God for my toys". 

Some Prayer Stick Ideas: 

• Thank You: For a favorite thing, for my family, for a friend, for something I am excited about, for a food I like, for something that happened today, for someone that was kind to me, etc.
• Please: Help someone I care about, help me learn new things, give my friends sweet dreams, etc.
• Wow: God, you make beautiful things! God loves me so much! etc.

#3 Make truth a part of everyday.

Try to integrate truth and wisdom throughout the day, being careful not to isolate God to Bible reading time.  You might remind your child that God designed us to need rest at nap time or when noticing a squirrel eating on a walk you might remember that God is the one who makes sure that even the animals have enough food.

When you are reading Bible stories to your kiddos, connect the story or the verse to real life.  Use it as an opportunity to learn something about God or about yourself in every encounter, not just a fun fairy tale or point of knowledge.  There are two REALLY good children's Bibles that basically do all of the hard work around thinking that through for you: The Story for Little Ones is perfect for toddlers (My daughter enjoyed it even at 18 months old) and The Jesus Storybook Bible is beautifully written and illustrated for the 4+ crowd.

Of course my kid's favorite Bible that they BEG to "read" is an app for tablets and phones.  Really fun way to engage their imaginations and a great alternative to other computer games (keeping screen time in moderation, of course).

Kid's (and moms) also love music!  Worship music has a lot of truth and peace to offer.  Make a great Pandora station for the afternoons and take time to sing God's love as lullabies at night.  Your child may memorize a song like "Jesus Loves Me" long before they can memorize a Bible verse.  Even if you aren't the best singer, the words and melody can soothe their tiny souls.

More favorite books for introducing little ones to God and the Bible:

ABC Bible Verse Book
God Loves You!

Just in Case You Ever Wonder or You are Special by Max Lucado

If Jesus Lived Inside my Heart 

God Gave us You

#4 Community is SO important.

I knooooooow it's tough to get out of the house, someone is always too sick to go in to the nursery and family time on the weekends (or anytime) is SO precious.  Going to church is a big deal, though.  The Christian life is not meant to be lived in isolation.  If you don't make going to church a priority, it's less likely that your kids will be excited about the habit as they get older.  You need more people pouring spiritual truth, life, and perspective into your kids than just you.  And YOU need the re-charge too!  If your church is not a place that you can connect with God in worship, be encouraged, challenged, and serve as a family it may be worth your time to find a healthy community that is the right fit.  

Consider finding a local MOPs, BSF or other women's Bible Study with child care.  Especially if you are taking on the role of spiritual mentor in your home with little support, you need a loving "village" for yourself and your kiddos.  You'll get the chance to have a morning with adult conversation, spiritual enrichment, and hopefully make a few friends that are good for the soul.

#5 Don't overspiritualize or idealize "spirituality".

Give yourself a little credit, girl.  You are already laying a foundation for your child's future relationship with God. Are you teaching your toddler about waiting and patience?  Are you helping your child think through the effects of their actions and make good choices? Are you taking opportunities to show your child how to be kind to others?  Do you model "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you"?  Are integrity, priorities, and character important in your family?  These are all things that will benefit your child in their future life journey with God (and lessons we all need to revisit from time to time).

It's beautiful, and a gift of a calling to be able to invest in our sweet babies spiritual foundation.  Just remember, it's our job to love, teach, model, and nurture but it's God who will ultimately capture their hearts.  They have a choice, He has a plan, and we have less control than we wish we did.  Once we train our loves, we eventually have to let go and entrust their hearts to God.

I don't teach my two year old her ABCs as a way of putting pressure on her to attend an ivy league college, and in the same way I don't pray with my kids so that they will grow up to go to seminary.  I am simply building spiritual capability the same way I invest in their academic capability. I can honestly say I will FOREVER-ever-ever love my babies no matter what.  It's important to me that they know that my love for them is not contingent on their love for Jesus.  It's unconditional, baby.  Full of grace, forgiveness, love, and tons of prayer. 

Can I pray for you?  Just for a quick moment?

God, from heaven you are looking down on us mamas.  You entrusted these beautiful, eternal souls to our care.  We love them, we love you.  God speak to us your truth. Help us to walk confidently and bravely as we try tirelessly and imperfectly to show our kids how AWESOME you are.  Come into our messy houses.  Show US your awesomeness.  As our sweet babies grow older do not ever ever stop pursuing their hearts, we know your love is steadfast and powerful.  We want your love to overtake us and give us strength for this day, and to help us not to worry about tomorrow.  Teach us the security of surrender and the peace of trust.  Help us to be the mother, the wife, the woman you designed us to be so that we can have the joy of living in full freedom.  Amen.

LOVE YOU, MAMAS!  My prayers are with you.

BONUS: More Great Parent Resources to Check Out

Grace Based Parenting

Sticky Faith: Everyday ideas to build Lasting Faith in your Kids

Love and Logic for Preschoolers

Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage

Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions

Do you have other favorite resources, activities or tips?  Share them in the comments!

What holding back REALLY holds back

I leaned over Olivia's shoulder as we colored together and beamed "Oh wow, Olivia.  I LOVE the colors you chose!  Your picture is beautiful!"

She turned her head up at me, covered her picture with her arm and defensively barked "Not for you, mommy!"

I think I would have been annoyed or angry if I hadn't been so hurt.

I wasn't asking for her picture.

I gave her the markers and paper.

She was sitting at my table, during the time I had set aside to spend with her to co-create art.

Seeing her weak, skinny arm trying to hold something back that I wanted to share with her stung me.

I laughed about it with my husband last night, because when things are funny they hurt less.  And I mean, "Not for you, mommy!" was kind of hilarious.  Seriously, child.  You have nothing that I do not give you, and mostly at great sacrifice to myself (that pedicure budget is pretty sad these days).

It finally hit me this morning.

God gave me everything I have.  He could take or demand it at any moment, but he desires to co-create with me.  He gave me my talents and gifts, not so that I could produce results to please Him, but so that He and I could go together into this dark world and shine light and love.  How silly for me to hold on to areas of my life where I use my gifts or He has clearly blessed me and say, "Not for you, Daddy!"  Not only is it hurtful, but I miss out on a HUGE opportunity to spend beautiful time accomplishing great things with Him.

I'm sure we all hold on to different things more tightly.  The last couple of years that I have spent at home with my kids often leaves me dreaming of returning to my career.  The things that make me great at work are the ways that God has uniquely designed and gifted me.  I was one of the lucky ones who actually found a job that engaged those passions and strengths of who I am.  In truth, those same gifts make me effective for other ways God wants to partner with me to love people- and I should be more thrilled about that than PowerPoint.

So today I choose to say, "It's for you, Daddy!".  Thanks for joining me in my day. Thank you for creating this home and family alongside me.  Help me to hear your affirmations and gentle guidance.  Make me aware and thankful that everything I touch, see, have, and am is a gift from you.  Give me joy in painting a small corner of the beautiful story you are telling today, knowing that the big picture is as awesome as you are even if I can't see it past the green playdoh ground into my carpet.

1 Peter 4:10
As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another,as good stewards of God's varied grace:

Proverbs 8:27-30
When he established the heavens, I was there;
when he drew a circle on the face of the deep,
when he made firm the skies above,
when he established the fountains of the deep,
when he assigned to the sea its limit,
so that the waters might not transgress his command,
when he marked out the foundations of the earth,
then I was beside him, like a master workman,
and I was daily his delight,
rejoicing before him always

A Beautiful Mess (The one where I was ugly.)

The lighting in an airplane bathroom is not kind.  Neither is motherhood.  The haggard reflection of an unshowered woman with vomit down the front of her shirt, purple circles under her eyes, and a squirming two year old under her arm stared back at me blankly from the mirror.

An hour earlier I was feeling a little melodramatic rolling through the terminal after an exhausting week of time change, sick kids, and long days full of activity (aka “vacation”).   Finally heading home, my arms and elbows were full of bags and children as our family moved awkwardly through the busy airport. I could not help but notice the business women, wearing heels and packing light.  Some of them sat in cafes, alone, with a glass of wine and business at hand. “I used to be like you once, business women.” I thought.  “I was beautiful and important.  You would simply cry if you knew how little separates you from this encumbered mess walking by.”

I’m sure some of those women were actually loving moms who had seen their own fair share of late nights and yoga pants; but in that moment I felt jealous of their solitude, beauty, and professionalism.  I finally got to my gate and squeezed my awkward mess of diaper bags and clinging children through the narrow walking aisle of the plane. The flight was very hard.

That’s when I ended up face to face with the reflection of the worn woman in the mirror.  That gross little airplane bathroom became the place where this blessed, happy mom who adores her children and loves playing with bubbles and sidewalk chalk was ready to give it all up. That blank stare from the greasy girl who couldn’t even go pee by herself really got me.  People used to say I was pretty.  

I was praying my way through that entire flight starting from my flashes of jealousy and insecurity in the terminal.  Painfully, my feelings of being “unseen and unheard” felt amplified by Gods silence over those hours.  I couldn’t kick the ache in my heart that I had become an unattractive, unimportant woman.

We made it home.  Barely.

I finally got a few precious moments to myself, so I took out my Bible Study homework.  30 minutes later I was on the floor, bawling my eyes out and laughing with God over His “silence” and all of that vomit. 

Here’s what I learned that changed my life:

•      I want to be beautiful because that’s how God made me.
•          I am beautiful.
•          Love (even when it looks like vomit) is beautiful.
•          True Beauty is Messy.

I want to be beautiful because that’s how God made me.

I feel like on the subject of beauty, inner beauty gets a lot of time (Proverbs 31:30, 1 Peter 3:3-4). I understand that those purple circles under my eyes are “beautiful” in that abstract way of symbolizing the hours I was up rocking my child the night before.  I still hate them.  I still want a shower. 

I’m so glad that it isn’t shallow to want to be beautiful.  God created beauty, He created humans to appreciate physical and natural beauty (SOS 4:1), and has destined me to one day be a beautiful bride in heaven.  Of course my heart longs for that.  The problems only start when I look for anyone other than God to affirm my beauty.

I am beautiful.

Thankfully, God affirms my beauty any chance I ask Him. He died to be with me, his love for me is etched across the history of the universe.  There is a prophetic story about a royal wedding in the Psalms that points to the day when we will be the bride of our King in Heaven.  The stunning bride to be and her entire wedding party enter the palace with joy and gladness.  She has been told, “The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for he is your Lord.” (Psalm 45:11).

Before this day is over, you walk over to your bathroom mirror.  Allow the reflections of any unscrubbed showers or cluttered vanities to remain in the background.  Look that woman staring back at you in the eye.  You tell her: “The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord”. 

Take time in prayer to ask God if you are beautiful.  Allow all of the hurtful things people have said, negative images swirling in your mind, or lies of being ugly and worthless to surface.  Ask God to sweep them away like a cloud so that you can find your most beautiful reflection in His eyes alone.

Love (even when it looks like vomit) is beautiful.

One day we get to be brides again.  God has been planning this wedding feast for ages and has every last detail perfected (Revelation 19:6-8).  Our dress is being sewn together as I type, bright linen white and clean made possible by the ultimate sacrifice of love (Isaiah 1:18).  The linen itself is “the righteous acts of the saints” (Revelation 19:8). 

We won’t contribute anything borrowed or blue to our heavenly gown, but when we choose righteousness in the form of love we are weaving eternal threads into our own beauty in heaven.  When I hold my (vomiting) child close because I choose to honor God in my motherhood, serve without complaining, and love someone else more than myself that is not inner beauty- it is eternal beauty.

True beauty is messy. 

Jesus came to “give us a crown of beauty instead of ashes” (Isaiah 61:3). 

It isn’t until we look at our heads (possibly in the mirror of an airplane bathroom) and see the messy ashes of grieving our lost selves, youthful beauty, or sense of importance that we can truly appreciate what it means for the Prince of Heaven to place a crown on our heads and say “Marry me, my darling. I am enthralled by your beauty.”