Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
- Psalm 139:23-24 

Last year there were two themes in my conversations with God, hope and forgiveness. This year new themes are emerging- humility and obedience.

I prayed a prayer on Ash Wednesday this year:
Search me, God. As I feel the comfort of your voice and the closeness of your presence, even now, unsettle me. I'm taking down the "off limits" signs I've hung in my heart without even realizing it. I want to be filled with your Spirit and I know there are still corners of my soul that need to be scraped clean. Grungy spaces. Show me the dirt. Empty me. Shine your light in me, and lead me in your way everlasting. Empty my mess. Fill me with you.

That sounds like such a godly prayer, doesn't it?

Earlier this week I stepped into the laundry room to curse so that Olivia's first 20 words wouldn't include "shit". Turns out there are some unclaimed corners (or whole sections) of my heart still, and unsettling those attitudes can get ugly.

First order of heart business: Control.

In the Spirit, being out of control makes me humble and yielding and submissive to God. Obedience almost always involves me giving up control of my plans, dreams, or selfishness.

In my own mind, apart from the Spirit, being out of control makes me angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, and hopeless.

The truth about control: I don't actually have any. In case I had any delusions on that, this week was FULL of reminders. I just deleted 4 paragraphs of venting. Detailed descriptions of all my plans that were frustrated or turned upside down. You can thank me later. The truth is, I don't think it's hard for anyone to imagine. We all have weeks like that, right?

Being out of control is not a bad thing.

I'm not going to tell you about the beautiful things that happen when we are out of control. It hasn't been that kind of a week. But it does turn out that "control" is a God size job and I don't want it.

My life (and inconsequential vacation plans, sleep training, etc.) is not at the center of the universe this week. In fact, a lot of other things were going on. A sweet friend had a young daughter in major surgery, a godly woman shared with me the journey her adult child had taken through addiction- and out the other end, a close family member got a negative result on a cancer screen and another is anxiously awaiting a surgery date after their positive scan.

I can't even keep my kitchen island clear for 48 hours. So the truth is I DEFINITELY cannot control the life choices, health or happiness of my kids, myself, or anyone I love. But there is good news.

God IS in control. And I trust Him.

Job 26:6-14 (The Message)
He spreads the skies over unformed space,
hangs the earth out in empty space.
He pours water into cumulus cloud-bags
and the bags don’t burst.
He makes the moon wax and wane,
putting it through its phases.
He draws the horizon out over the ocean,
sets a boundary between light and darkness.
Thunder crashes and rumbles in the skies.
Listen! It’s God raising his voice!
By his power he stills sea storms,
by his wisdom he tames sea monsters.
With one breath he clears the sky,
with one finger he crushes the sea serpent.
And this is only the beginning,
a mere whisper of his rule.
Whatever would we do if he really raised his voice!”

God I'm sorry.  I'm obsessed.  Somehow it feels like grabbing on to some small corner of my world and trying to control it will make up for all the vast expanses that are wildly out of my control.  It doesn't.  Teach me to let go.  The only control I want in my life is self control.  Fill me with your spirit so that what I do and what I say overflow out of my heart in a beautiful way that looks and sounds like you.  The rest is up to you.  I give you my insecurities.  My kids.  My everything.  Help me live a life of obedience and surrender.  I want to serve, not be served and I want to follow, not to lead...even though every bit of me without you wants to lead and be served.  Take me, conflicted and broken.  Help me learn, help me love, help me grow.