Living "the Dream"

Watching the sun set from a picnic blanket, faint music floating on the summer night's breeze, us girls laughed and told stories and ate goat cheese with honey.  We were celebrating the birthday of one of my dearest friends.

As we looked at the sky we remembered the year behind us, and dared to dream for the year ahead. 

Two of my girl friends are single and had gone to London and Paris together.  They told hilarious and charming stories of adventures abroad and quaint cafes tucked into hidden alleys. 

I always assumed I'd be a lot more adventurous when it came to exploring with our kiddos, but mothering two toddlers makes travelling difficult.  I know this season isn't forever.  They'll get older, drop naps, walk further, and be able to use an inside voice one of these days.  My soul still lets out a little sigh from time to time, knowing that so many of the things I want to experience in life will need to wait another year or two.

One of the single girls generously redirected conversation from her phenomenal trip over toward me, "Do you have a picture of your kids?" she asked.

I pulled out my phone.  The first picture on hand was of them goofing off in an aisle of the Dollar Store while I picked up some birthday party supplies.  As I told the story of convincing them to leave their huge cardboard hats behind, it sounded really uninteresting in contrast to the Eiffel Tower.  I shyly handed over my phone.

As she took the screen her whole face softened.  Her eyes lit up.

"The are so cute!" she said.  "I can't wait until this is my life."  She handed back my phone.  Sincerely smiling, she added "You are so blessed."  

Yes.  I am.  

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes I want the ones I don't have.  I am living the dream.  It may not feel like my dream all the time, but every day of mine...even all the ones not spent in Paris...are laced with beautiful blessings.

...The sunrise.

...A squirrel on the fence.

...The squishy softness of my son grabbing my fingers.

...The dishes piled in my sink that remind me our family had plenty to eat and that our house is a well lived in home.

Every once in a while I fear that my dreams are on hold.  They feel like distant things, fragile and perishable.  I worry that my dreams are waiting for me under a waterfall, on top of a mountain, or in a publishing house far away.  

Our dreams are never far away.  We carry them in our heart.

God carries our hearts in his hand, and his dreams for us are beyond our imagination.

That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

So dream on sisters, of beauty and oceans and sleeping in.  Only know that on this very ordinary day, if you are blessed to love others and know how fully loved by God you are, sweet girl- you are already living. the. dream.

When Spiritual Discipline becomes Invitation instead of Obligation

I breathed in a rare moment of silence, interrupted only by a scurrying squirrel in the giant oak branches that shaded my patch of bright green grass.  Journal in hand, eyes to the blue sky, I sat very still.

I had been asked to spend 45 minutes talking to God and listening for his voice while considering what work he was actively doing in and around me.  At the end of the time, each of us in our cohort were encouraged to choose a spiritual discipline that we felt would complement God's existing work in our lives and help us be more aware and embracing of his presence.

Our group is led by a wise and gentle older man, he is lean and strong but has the silver hair and purposeful cadence of a grandfather.  His humility is almost startling.  He asked me kindly which discipline I had chosen.  I told him I was struggling to choose between two options.  He asked me a question that completely caught me off guard, a question I know I will ask myself many times again in the future.

"Do you have a sense of what God is inviting you to rather than what your self is feeling obligated by?"

"Come, Follow Me" is not a command wrapped in expectation or obligation, it will forever be a simple invitation.  Somehow when I think of spiritual discipline, I too easily forget the point of eliminating distractions and seeking out truth.  I forget the voice of Jesus and his tone of loving invitation that surrounds the journey of following him.

"Jesus' call was to journey with him.  In addition to his emphasis on the costs of discipleship, he assured his disciples that he would never leave them alone, would share the intimacy he experienced with the father with them, and ultimately would seal his friendship by laying down his life for them."

- David G. Benner, Sacred Companions page 64

Our Christian journey is meant to be a friendship with God that grows in depth and intimacy over the time, he invites us to "follow in his steps"- steps which lead to loving people who aren't like us, through suffering, and occasionally out on the water.

The invitation is to recognize a powerful, wild God in our own real world and follow him wherever he leads, knowing that if he is leading he must be close by.

God comes down from the cosmos once again.  He is no longer a distant power reigning over humans as a master rules over his slaves. Jesus says:

"I shall not call you servants anymore,
because a servant does not know his master's business;
I call you friends,
because I have made known to you everything I have learned from my Father." - John 15:15

Jesus considers you a friend, not just a follower.  "Follow me" is simply a loving invitation to journey with him.  He is offering to walk a few steps ahead of you as you follow the trail of his divine presence through the uncertainty, anticipation, beauty, suffering, joy, and all that life has to offer.

Discipline helps us follow Jesus well and nurture our relationship with him.  While there are many practices that help us maintain our focus, sharpen our character, and nourish our souls, such as:

• Prayer
• Silence and Solitude
• Worship
• Scripture Reading and Study
• Fasting 
• Serving
• ...and others

None of these things will ever make him love us more.  None of them are designed to make us bored or stressed or guilty or shamed or miserable.

Could it be that the discipline of being mindful of our steps, looking ahead of us to keep our eyes on the one we are following, and spending time with our friend is ultimately a loving invitation?  Not an invitation to prove our worth, faithfulness, or goodness.  Simply an invitation to intimately follow.

What is God doing in your world?

How is he inviting you to engage with him as he creates beauty and goodness and acts in love?  How might he be inviting you to abandon obligation and simply follow him?

The Monastery of Motherhood

I struggled through my initial launch into motherhood, unsure of who I was or what it looked like to be an ambitious woman staying at home with young children.  I wondered if I was in a "season of waiting" or a "desert" and just needed to persevere until I somehow became worthy of my real calling. The long days, silence, and isolation of the newborn months with my daughter made me question the decision I made to stay home.

My life changed when I discovered that Brother Lawrence, one of the key influencers of modern Christianity, was a dishwasher.  At a monastery.  During that initial transition out of my career, I felt like little more than a dishwasher in my home.

Suddenly I had a new appreciation for the silences of my day.  I began to pray and walk and fill the white spaces with truth and beauty.  I decided to be purposeful about my time "washing dishes" so now when I wash dishes or fold laundry I am almost always listening to a podcast or recorded sermon.  It has changed me. It has changed the way I view my time, my chores, and my calling.  The silence is less of a desert or waiting, and more of an invitation to slow down and explore and think and pray.  

I've had a few people ask about my favorite things I've listened to, and though this is not an exhaustive list, it's my "Greatest Hits" of 2014 so far (many of them are much older than this year but I only recently discovered them).  Some of them are pretty meaty, but I've loved challenging my brain and inviting it to keep turning even in the midst of mindless tasks.

So grab a set of headphones and spice up your housework!  I hope you enjoy these talks as much as I have.  They are truly the only real motivation I have to do chores.  If you have any of your own favorite podcasts, leave them in the comments!  I'm always excited to discover new people.

Best Podcasts/Sermons of 2014

Tim Keller

• Spiritual Warfare
  http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/spiritual-warfare
• Suffering
  http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/questions-suffering
• Sabbath
  http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/work-and-rest 
• Knowing the Father
• http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/knowing-father
• His 40 page book that changed my life- The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness

Brene Brown 

• Courage to Create/How to handle criticism
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-JXOnFOXQk

Christine Caine 

• Understanding your calling and embracing your season of life- maybe the most critical words I've heard this year
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEsdgTKmzAg
• Her book which I have on my kindle and am dying to read- Unstoppable

Francis Chan

• Balance Beam (only 4 minutes- SO GOOD)
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ

John Ortberg

• A Jesus way of Life- what it means to live life with God- transformed my view of motherhood
  http://mppc.org/sermons/great-experiment-jesus-way-life

NT Wright (heavier stuff, but really thought engaging)

• The Resurrection
  http://vimeo.com/93342355
• Christian Character
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukyNU51OcnA

All God's Children say "I Love You"

My son is the embodiment of joy.  His laugh explodes like a million blue birds flying up from the rain forest into the sun. He just turned two and my heart is wrapped around his.  My daughter is three and she is somehow a woman and a child and a sage wrapped in a tiny, porcelain body. She and I will argue and laugh and drink tea for the rest of my life, and it is beautiful and terrifying how all of those moments with her feel wrapped in the present.

As I dropped my sweet girl of at her class this morning, I said "Bye honey, I love you." She looked over her shoulder and smiling, said "I love you too!" That brief second seemed to freeze and last just a little longer than usual. She looked like such a big girl.  I felt sincerely loved by her and proud of her and so aware of how precious every word that we speak to each other is.

Carrying my son on my hip as I walked away, I wanted to be sure he didn't feel left out so I wiggled my nose into his cheek and said "I love you too, buddy." He pulled his head back with a huge dimpled smile, and burrowed his blonde little head into the soft space between my clavicle and shoulder. His silent snuggle could not have shouted "I LOVE YOU TOO" any louder with all the words in the world.

My eyes started to moisten as happy tears were held at bay, such an ordinary concrete sidewalk beneath my feet on the most ordinary of days.

I felt so loved.  I felt so much in love.  

For a moment I realized how special each of God's children are to him.  How he sees our maturity and brokenness and goodness and heart and soul.  It's not a ladder or a race.  As much as I cherish the growing depth of my relationship with my oldest daughter, I don't love her any more or less than my silly son who doesn't say much other than "mama" and "choo choo".  I don't love her any more or less than when she was a newborn in my arms.  I just love.  And they just love me back.  

So push on to spiritual maturity, and seek new depth of understanding.  Only understand that reading your Bible or learning greek may enable you to have a new kind of relationship with God- but it will never make him love you more.  Nothing can make him love you more or less.  His love is infinite, unconditional and inseparable from our very being.  

Moments like these make me pause and breathe deeply, in wonder of the infinite God who would bind up sacred secrets such as these in a mother's heart.

Romans 8:31-39

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Getting Out There

I was really honored when my prayer buddy and good friend invited me to come speak to the mamas at her church.  Even though there were 50 women gathered around, it felt intimate and welcoming.  It was a special morning and one of the women took really good notes and even wrote a gorgeous blog about it- what a gift!

It's been really special for me to be invited to speak my heart at 3 churches so far this Fall.  It's been a long time since I felt like my gifts and passions were honored and invited.  After listening to an audio recording of myself I realize I have a ton of room to grow- but I'm thankful for the chance to try and learn.  The true gift is the way that my heart just explodes when I walk into these gatherings- a sense of God's love for the women there and myself is always so present.  I love mornings with grace and coffee and girls.  Does it get any better?

If you want a taste of my heart for imperfection, friendship, and community in motherhood- here it is.

http://www.breathe.southbaychurch.org/refresher-the-friendship-dare/

A Prayer for the Victims of Isis

My heart has broken in sheer pain and empathy for my brothers and sisters and their

I cannot even type the word "children" without my eyes welling with tears and stomach tightening. The terror and brutality of Isis right now, this moment, against Christians is overwhelming.  The beheading of children. Unmitigated evil, unconscionable violence.  Crimes against humanity.  Crimes against God.  My heart doesn't know how to hold these stories.

I know I will wake my own beautiful blonde headed children up in a few moments from a sleep that was guarded and safe and sweet.  They'll have matted hair and sleepy eyes and nothing but hope for the day to come.

I know we will go to church and worship God in truth and love and freedom this morning. And I will raise my hands and say God is good and mean it with my whole heart even though I have invisibly dried tears staining my face.

I know I will stop crying in a moment, and later today I will giggle or laugh and this heavy, sacred empathy will be far from me.  I may even go to Costco.  That makes me feel guilty.

I know that even with all the theological explanation, I don't fully understand how God could see his children and his children's children in this kind of pain and not rain down fire and vengeance from heaven.  That makes me question him as a good father and that question makes me feel guilty.

I know God is a good father, not just to his children who are being persecuted but also to me.  That truth is too large and weighty for my small hands to grasp well.  The inability to hold weight that I know God is holding makes me feel loved and free and safe and want to pray.

If, like me, you don't know how to hold the pain of our brothers and sisters who are being brutalized and persecuted and killed, I'm inviting you to pray these words and promises of God with me.

Stop "reading" for a moment.  Reorient your heart.  Welcome God to this space, the pain, the confusion, the questions.  Open your heart to him. Allow a moment of silence.

Psalm 34:15-18

15 The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.

God I believe that you see and hear your children around the world.  All of us.  You are unprotected from the horrific images and cries of pain. You delight in the beauty of uninhibited worship and expressions of love and freedom.  You hold them all.

16 The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

I trust you to be judge.  I am so thankful that you are a righteous judge who hates evil.  So many fear your judgement, but crimes like these remind us of our desperate need for a judge to bring justice to our world where politicians and brilliant minds and big hearts have all failed.  This is beyond us.  Please, God, in your righteousness, cut off this evil and even the bitter root of memory of this evil completely from our earth.  Quickly, please.

17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.

18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

God you are mighty to save.  I trust that your spirit is close to my brothers and sisters in a way that I don't understand.  Their boldness and resolution in the face of great danger and terror speak not only to their faith but also to your presence.  I trust you to love them and hold them and strengthen them, and in some cases hold their spirits tightly as they enter into eternity.  I trust you to be good in ways I don't understand.  I trust that you are close and that you see the pain, that you can deliver and save and redeem.  Please God, even if I cannot feel the love you have for them, fill them, cover them, flood them with your love.

Amen.



*Luke 21:10-19 Can also be prayed back to God as a prayer in a similar way.

Why Perfection is Poison

There is a great deal of danger in becoming a perfect mom.

Did you just choke on your coffee?  Ya I know, being too perfect is not high on my list of concerns either- but here's why it shouldn't even be on our list of goals.  Imperfection is a gift, it's where we meet grace AND each other.

For all you moms who aspire to the perfect body, home, parenting style or whatever, relax. You are closer to happiness than you think.  For the elite who have reached mommy nirvana- open your eyes.  You may be missing your perfect life by being a perfect mom. 

Perfection poisons Empathy

When something works for you, you may be tempted to assume that you are somehow skilled, gifted, smarter, or just plain better than other mom's who can't quite get it together.  If only they could do it your way.  

When nothing works for you, you learn the frustration, humility, and pain of motherhood.  If you look around and feel like you are having a harder time than most, keep looking.  I guarantee there are other mamas having a hard time too.  As a broken woman you have unique eyes to see hurt, loneliness, and shame. If you can step out of your own shadows, you will realize you have developed a unique voice to relate to a sisterhood who desperately needs to hear they are seen, understood, and loved.  

Perfect mamas, please remember that all of our situations, support systems and kids are different.  At the end of the day, we don't need advice the same way we need love.  Perfection doesn't have to succumb to pride.  Look around and see community instead of competition or incompetence.  True perfection is always marked by love, just ask God himself.

Perfection poisons Desire

There is something beautiful about need, desperation, and longing.  It's where we meet God.  It's where our hearts are softened and transformed by grace.  Jesus taught that those who feel deep need are blessed.  David proclaimed that God is near to the brokenhearted.  To feel true satisfaction we must sink into God and be surrounded by his grace.  

Counterfeit joy and peace are easy to come by in a "perfect life" when what you do, what you have, and what people think about you create a false sense of self that feels worth clinging on to.  Just.  let.  go.  Perfect mamas have to work hard to dive to the depths of grace.  Perfect or imperfect, we should all examine what we are using to define our identity and how we are satisfying our need for purpose and love.

Perfection poisons Friendship

Perfect moms make disingenuous friends. You may not realize, this, perfect mom, but that mama who came over for a play date this morning thought extra hard about what she and each of her kids were going to wear.  She chose the snack she was going to bring and the container she'd put it in carefully.  She didn't tell you what was truly on her heart or even her mind- she learned her lesson last time when you made her feel patronized and ashamed by your well meaning advice or story of how you have it all figured out.

Friendship is hospitality of the soul.  Being able to think aloud with another person.  Being able to truly be and become your true and best self.

Perfect mama, you may be accidentally achieving a sense of perfection that is closer to a J.Crew catalog than your own god given design.  You may unknowingly be distancing connection as you minimize or silence the messiness of humanity, failure, and motherhood.  Imperfect mama, you are not off the hook.  Ceaselessly striving for perfection in a way that your failures produce bitterness instead of humility is just as dangerous.

No matter where you fall on the perfection spectrum, we all have to choose to meet each other as each other, our true selves, and love one another in that grounded, messy reality.  It's the only way we can do life together, and motherhood is meant to be done together.

You have been warned.  The "perfect" home, body, parenting skills, or hobbies are more likely to poison your soul than satisfy you.  Accept humility.  Strive for love.