Listen

"Listen".

My fingers draw back from the keyboard, my eyes close, my back relaxing and head tilting up.  This simple writing prompt feels more like a command after a rare hour where I have had time to write.

Typing is noisy.  So many thoughts in my head begging to be organized on the screen.  So many voices and stories echoing through my thoughts, either validating the truths, questioning my assumptions, or laying colored lenses and perspective onto every choice of word, every conviction, every vulnerable confession.

My laptop listens to me.  It repeats back my sentiment on it's screen to check that it understands.  It doesn't.  My words fail me.

***

#FiveMinuteFriday

*This is a creative writing exercise I participate in with a beautiful community of women bloggers.

3 Unexpected Reasons Holiness can make you Happy

Buck naked.  Flat on my back.  For like...forever.  Looking in the corners of the ceiling suspiciously for hidden cameras.  The most awkward doctor's appointment I have EVER been to.  Ever.  And I've had 2 kids.

I thought getting my moles checked would be like when you get a massage and they have the warm blanket over you and they uncover your arm and then cover it, then uncover your leg, then cover it.  It's not.  Having an elderly woman with lipstick on her teeth (and unevenly on her lips) tell me about skin cancer, wearing my sunscreen, and warning signs for mole growth while walking slowly around my naked body was...mmm...off-putting.

Then she hands me a brochure about sun protection.  The cover is a woman out hiking in the sun who is covered from head to toe.  Long sleeve windbreaker, long pants, huge safari hat with a neck flap.  It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.  I left it there.  But picture something like this:

I'm sorry.  I'm sure that is a GREAT way not to get a sunburn, but seriously...is that really necessary?!

Is that how you feel about holiness?

I mean holiness is a great way not to get in trouble...but isn't it extreme?  Like these guys swimming fully clothed with their dumb hats on?  Won't most of us be okay just putting on our sunscreen and drinking plenty of water?

Here is the secret that Satan has been great at keeping all these years:  Holiness is not judgmental, extreme, conservative, old fashioned, hypocrisy, or legalism.  Real Holiness can actually make us extremely happy!  

Here are 3 ways.

1.  Holiness is our CALLING.

1 Peter 1:15-16 "But as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in your conduct, because it is written, "Be holy, for I am holy".

My kids are still really young, but I will admit that I fantasize about them someday saying, "I want to ____, just like you mom!".  Whether it's writing, serving, studying, cooking...anything!  Isn't emulation the highest form of flattery?  Our father DELIGHTS in us when we say, "Daddy, I want to be holy just like you!"  It is the absolute core of who God is, on a completely different plane than hobbys, sports or talents.  Can you imagine how painful and disrespectful it is when we say holiness is not worth our time or effort?

We are adopted children of the king.  You know what is beautiful about our new place in our family?  Although we couldn't have been any more different that our father and big brother at the time of our adoption, over time, we start to resemble them more and more.  There is a family identity as a child of God and we are invited to participate in it!

God's Holy Spirit lives in us (Romans 5:5, Galatians 4:6, Ephesians 1:13).  God is love, and for us to  be able to hear his spirit, love him and others, and truly be holy or "set apart" as his children we have to obey him. (1John 5:2-4, John 15:12-14).  Obedience, or holiness, is how we respond to the Spirit of God's love and truly experience our calling as His children.

2.  Holiness gives us FREEDOM.

Romans 6:14 For sin will have no mastery over you, because you are not under law but under grace.

Does holiness feel restrictive?  There is an amazing truth waiting for you in God's word.

You know what is restrictive?  Sin.  Ugh.  It's packaged to us like fun times and cool kids and marketed by Satan like cigarettes- but it's death.  Anxiety, depression, loneliness, addiction, aimlessness, angst, bitterness, victimhood, broken relationships...sin is a disaster waiting to happen.  During different seasons don't we all feel powerless before our own tempers, sex drives, or other cravings?  You may not be in a dark place at the moment, but the result of sin is always death.

In Romans 6 Paul draws the line.  You are either a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness...there are no free men.  Holiness can feel like slavery to righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:14)...but it's actually freedom from sin!  You don't have to be stuck in the cycle of meaningless, broken, defeating sin.  Ditch the baggage.  Just stop what you are doing.  Tell God and anyone else that you need to that you are sorry.  Decide to be different- to love others, to learn the truth, and to follow God.  You will be amazed at the transformation and freedom that the Holy Spirit will bring to your life.

3.  Holiness produces JOY!

John 15:10-11 If you obey my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete.

Did you hear that?  These "commandments" from Jesus aren't mean to make us miserable...they are designed to protect and deepen our relationship with God so we can experience complete JOY!  Here's the truth about sin. It separates us from God.  When we let sin into our lives and refuse to deal with it, we are letting distance come between us and God.

Satan would love to claim your soul, but he'll settle for your life.

We can't have an intimate relationship with God if we are still sneaking time with our ex-master on the side.  The distance grows and grows.  When we are far from god we can't hear him speak love into our lives, his wisdom seems so hidden, his strength inaccessible, and our will to follow him and his power to change our lives and use us to affect the lives of everyone around us isn't there.  We don't even realize what we are giving up!  The immediate pleasure is not worth the ultimate gift that came at the ultimate price (1Peter 1:13-20, Pastor Andy Wood says more).

Just say no.  No to mediocrity and YES to holiness with all of it's purpose, freedom, and joy.  Chasing after God and trying to obey him by learning the Bible, living in christian community, and obeying the voice of the Holy Spirit inside of you is the only way to truly live.  

Check out my other post "5 Ways to Know if it's a Sin" to think more if there is something in your life that may be keeping you from the happiness of holiness.

How to Survive a Family Vacation in 5 Easy Steps

We just came home from our first ever family vacation with our two kids under two. We had SO MUCH fun, but it was so much work.  In case you are planning something similar, here's 5 lessons I learned the hard way.

1.  Play "Expectations Limbo"- How low can you go?

A whole week.  With my man undistracted by work and my kids giggling and discovering spectacular things they've never experienced before in their short little lives.  What could be better?!  I looked forward to it for months...which is basically asking for disappointment.  I brought a book and bubble bath and the stuff to give myself a pedicure "after bed time".  None of those things saw the light of day from my suitcase.

I felt guilty sidestepping the "how was it?!" question from a dear friend when I got back.  How ridiculous is it to complain about a weeklong vacation?  But she's been there and taught me: "If it's time away with only your husband, it's a vacation.  If it's time away with the kids, it's a trip."  Wise words.

2.  Wherever you go, there you are.

Here's the thing, this is "vacation" not the twilight zone.  Unless you are traveling with someone or to somewhere that provides childcare you are still on the hook for feeding, naptime, bath time, bed time, sick kids and night wakings.

Life is tough with young kids.  At home (a childproofed, familiar place) I have a hard time getting to the grocery store.  I'm not sure why I thought that going to Disneyland, Sea World, San Diego Zoo, and Coronado beach all in the same week seemed reasonable.  You know, sandwiched between an 8 hour drive on either end.  Next time I am going to focus more on family time and less on family attractions.

3.  Repeat after me: "My husband is a wonderful man."

The best and worst part of family vacation was expecting to have quality time with my hubby and getting family time instead.  He wasn't distracted by work but we were both distracted by the kids.  Mike and I almost never fight, he is my hero.  I was so sad when we got in a fight (even a small one) on vacation.  Up till now vacation was always a recharge and connect time for us.  Something about expecting to have a ton of fun and ending up with melted down kids, not enough sleep, and an ant infestation in your vacation cottage just doesn't bring out the best in people. 

Take a breath.  Remember how much you love each other (make a list!) be ready to apologize and make up...the fun way.  Meet in the middle, recognizing you are both stressed out and not getting a "vacation" in the relaxing way you are used to.  The truth is, you're in it together- and isn't he so hot when he is loving those kids, spoiling his family, and holding your hand in the middle of a weekday?!

4.  Take turns.

"Family time" is oh so fun...in moderation.  Take turns giving each other a break, or take your kids out for one-on-one dates.  It's fun to mix it up and if one kid is antsy, one parent can go be goofy and silly while the other one stays home to relax during nap time.  It works.  If it's possible to work in a babysitter, DO IT.  

5.  Enjoy the little things.

Forget getting the perfect picture, rushing around to see everything, or the "make the most of it" mentality.  You can make the most of your time not by skipping naps to squeeze in more activities, but by taking it waaaaaaay slower than seems reasonable.  If you aren't so worried about not missing anything, you'll be less likely to actually miss having fun.  Giggle with the kiddos, look them in the eye, don't stretch them (or yourself) too far and remember that "vacation" is going to look a lot less different than real life for a little while.

Hope this was helpful!  Enjoy your trip!  We had a lot of fun on ours...even if it wasn't exactly what we expected.  We did it together and came home blessed and thankful, able to laugh about some of our ridiculous expectations and rookie mistakes.  That's what being a family is all about :).

Comfort

My husband keeps all of his t-shirts for too long.  He won't let me throw a single one away, or make them into a quilt, or hide the tattered ones in the far back corner of the closet.  He is on to my schemes.

Mike does have one old shirt I love.  It comes through the laundry with all the others, but it is still incredibly special every time I fold it.  Thousands of washings have not removed the waterproof mascara on that undershirt, from when I buried my head into his chest that day.  I sobbed so hard.  Dad was dying.  

Mike and I had dated for less than a year, but he was my rock in that valley.  Instead of running away from my brokeness, he ran toward my tears and embraced me.  He gave me a diamond ring under a waterfall and said he wanted me to know that when I cried again and again and again he would be the one to hold me.  He wanted me to know that when my world felt like it was crumbling, he would be solid and constant and strong.  He wanted me to know that he loved me, forever, so he married me.

His arms have been my comfort countless times, always my strong and steady.  He knows God is stronger than both of us, so he has held me tight while he prayed over my pain.  He still lets me use his undershirt as a tissue while he is wearing it, after all these years.  Now I see him hold our children in those same strong arms and I know how lucky they are.  How lucky we are.  That his are the fearless arms that hold us.  I love you, Mike.

***

After Mike proposed under Yosemite Falls we rushed to the hospital to tell dad before visiting hours were over.  It was the first time I couldn't stop smiling in a long time. 

THIS man.  I will always be happy in your arms, Babe.  

 Now he has three of us to hold.  But he is strong enough.  We love you!

***

#FiveMinuteFriday

Brave

I felt brave.  Taking off my shirt to reveal my bathing suit and skin beneath.

The suit hid my stretch marks but not my hips and thighs that marked my body as unmistakeable wear from bearing two children.  The fact that I was with other moms made it worse, instead of better.  They were beautiful and thin beside the backyard pool.  Fortunately the fact that I was with my two year old daughter gave me courage.

I don't want her to grow up being afraid to go to summer camp, fearing jumping in the lake in front of the boy she likes, or slouching in shame instead of laughing with her chin back and head high while she sits in a hot tub with her girlfriends.  I don't want her to grow up being like me.

I would fight a lion for her, I tell myself.  So instead I battle my own demons of insecurity and self doubt and fear.  Even though it may seem simple, taking off that blue tunic was the bravest thing I've done since I brought those beautiful babies home with me.

"I like your bathing suit" my kind hostess said.  "Thank you" I replied, and slunk in the icy water with my daughter clinging to my side and the sun hot on my hair.  She had no idea what this simple act in her backyard symbolized: My commitment to raising my daughter to be beautiful in her own skin and to be brave...just like her mom.

***

#FiveMinuteFriday
This brave act took a lot of prayer to come to.  My honest journey is here on my blog about Why Being Fat Makes me Cry.

5 Minute Friday confession- I was halfway through my last paragraph when my iPhone buzzed, so this was more of a 6 Minute Friday.  Phew.  It's been said.  

Why Being Fat Makes me Cry

I've been blogging a lot about what God has taught me.  I thought I'd take a turn at what God is teaching me.  This one is raw.  Like, I can't totally talk about it without crying.  Girls, I have over 20 pounds to lose to get back to my weight before baby #2...and baby #2 is already 7 months old.  I weigh 3 pounds less than when I was pregnant with him.  Just typing that makes me want to throw up in shame, fear, and bewilderment.

So here was my process.   

FIRST  Write out why, specifically, this hurts so much.

1. Because I feel like I am living in someone else's body.  I've never felt my thighs rub together or had the fat on the top of my back touch the fat on the bottom of my back when I reach up to the top of the pantry. 
2. Because this feels too familiar. I never felt like I was one of the "pretty ones". I finally found my confidence in my twenties and now it's gone again.  
3. Because my husband is awesome.  Sometimes I worry that he could do better than the chubster who stays home all day and still can't manage to keep the house clean (me).
4. Because it feels like it reflects on my character and competence. The fact that my baby is seven months old and I still can't fit in my clothes makes me feel like an undisciplined, lazy failure.
5. Because it makes me grieve the "old me".  Being active and in decent shape feels like thing #324 that falls into the "Before kids" category that I can't see coming back any time soon.  
6. Because it feels overwhelming to even think of the energy it would take to meal plan and exercise to fix it.
7. Because I feel like I can't enjoy all that life has to offer when I am dodging being in any pictures and dreading every month older my son gets as a declaration of another month gone by that I am still fat.
8. Because I feel like being a stay at home mom is already one strike against me in making a first impression, so I have to make up for it by being hot, entrepreneurial, or in some other way interesting and I am none of those.
9. Because even writing this out makes me want to eat a brownie and that makes me feel this weird guilt and shame and like I deserve to be overweight.
10. Because it brings every "I should be/do" to mind and just makes me feel like I'm not good enough.  

THEN consider, for a moment, my assumptions. 

• I have to be thin and pretty to be likeable.
• I will never lose weight.
• I am not a good person if I am not ambitious or successful.
• Being overweight defines who I am.
• I have to prove that I am perfect.

THEN be brutally honest as to the effect is having on my behavior and those around me.

• Insecurity, depression, alternately craving and then resenting food.
• Keeping tally of what I do in an unhealthy way to try to prove my worth.
• Not giving God the glory or my full passion in His calling and purpose for me as a mom.
• Hiding from my friends, worried what they will think or that I will make them uncomfortable if I reveal my real struggle with my weight.

FINALLY pretend like I am talking to someone else (more gently and lovingly than I talk to myself) and share the truth that I know.

• God sees my heart.  He values my love for my family and others INFINITELY more than my looks.
• My husband and kids ADORE me.  Why would I rob myself the joy of basking in that?
• I should be living with the perspective of the Kingdom of God.  The values of this culture around vanity and beauty are twisted and only take me away from the happiness of keeping my eyes on what really matters.
• Every moment I spend trapped under this emotional boulder is a moment wasted, I already have victory. I need to look to God and my friends to help me claim my freedom.

Here is a GREAT link to some scripture, and an amazing book that have been encouraging me.

I'm not going to lie, this is a battle that is not over.  It doesn't help that on a morning when I wake up feeling good I think I probably could fit into that outfit and then I try it on and disaster strikes...I feel like I am reliving failure over and over. I have to recite to myself the words of love God has whispered and rehearse where my value and identity are found.

Whether it's weight or something else that feels like a boulder pressing down your joy, I hope you'll take a moment to be vulnerable.  Write it out.  Think about the subconscious assumptions you have.  Admit the way it is affecting you and others.  Let the truth in through prayer or seeking encouragement from friends.

Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised

Lord, come into this dark corner of my heart.  There is shame and fear and sadness and oh so many tears hiding.  Please, shine your light so brightly into this darkness.  Shower your truth and love and joy over my brokeness.  Help me develop a healthy attitude toward self-image, food, and pleasing others.  I want to love you, my family, and others...and I want to love the woman you are making me.  Help me see myself the way that you do.  God I surrender my heart to you, but I will FIGHT for the victory you have already given me over this.  I love you.  Thank you for loving me.

Friend

It's like a breath of fresh air.  But it's more of a gasp, really.

Life feels like a lap swim, the same movements being relaxing, grueling, new, and exhilarating over time and repetition.  In quick succession moving arms and swiftly kicking legs feels focused and dreamy and immediate all again.

And from time to time there is the breath.  Not too many breaths.  They kill your speed.  But each one just as you need it.  Each one enough to get to the next.  The only thing that can get you though the pain and the joy and the exhaustion and the relaxation of lap after lap.

I choose my breaths wisely, and I choose you.

My friend who lets me come over in my pajamas with kids who aren't wearing shoes.  Who has made me coffee when I am about to cry.  Who can give me a breath in the most unexpected moments: as a text, email, or memory remind me of your prayers and the Spirit of life we share.

My life is wonderful, exhausting, repetitive, changing, confusing, clear, busy, lonely, and...{gasp}...I'm so thankful that I can share it with you, Friend.

***

I'm trying something new :).
#FiveMinuteFriday